Celebrating Jerry Seinfeld’s Big 6-0 With His 10 Funniest Quotes

Celebrating Jerry Seinfeld’s Birthday With His 10 Funniest Quotes

By Dina Gachman

As a kid, it’s doubtful that Jerry Seinfeld could have imagined that he’d grow up and one day wake up to find that his last name had become an institution. Who in the world hasn’t seen at least one episode of Seinfeld? Most of us have seen every single episode two or three times – at least. Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer are part of pop culture history now, and the “show about nothing” keeps on running.

Jerome (aka Jerry) Seinfeld was born on April 29, 1954, in Brooklyn. He was interested in comedy from a young age, and his dad has been described as a “sign maker who was also a closet comedian.”

Seinfeld graduated from Queen’s college and soon after hit the standup circuit, making his debut during an open mic night at the Catch a Rising Star nightclub. He appeared on The Tonight Show in 1981, starred in a TV standup show, and eventually paired up with Larry David to create a show about nothing for NBC, and the rest is television history.

Seinfeld has been called the “greatest show of all time” and in addition to being heavily syndicated, the Emmy and Golden Globe winning show has given us a treasure trove of quotable material to toss around. His Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is a hilarious series where he rides around with comedy superstars like Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Louis C.K., Chris Rock, and Don Rickles talking about everything from Kettlecorn to lipstick to Downton Abbey. Supposedly he’s working on a mystery project with Larry David, and he’ll be one of the headliners of the Spike TV special One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute to Don Rickles that airs at the end of May.

In honor of Seinfeld’s sixtieth birthday, here are some of his funniest quotes.

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’”

“I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

“I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.”